Saturday, March 25, 2006

dont wanna feel lonely no more

Today is saturday. My sis left for hk on tuesday, and my parents thursday. I've been home alone for 3 days. And I miss them so much!

I try to keep myself busy (that's easily achieved since I'm so swamped with work.. heck, i'm practically living in school already.) which keeps my mind off things, but once I'm alone I feel very sad and lonely. I've realised that I may appear confident and cheerful to everyone around me, but really deep inside I am very dependent on others. Maybe this means that my family and friends are very very important to me -- or maybe this is just a sign of insecurity. Sigh..

I really admire friends like yank and jw cuz I don't think I'll be able to be so independent like them. I used to envision myself going overseas to study alone, like on scholarship or SEP, and I thought how fun and liberating an experience it would be. But I've always never applied in the end. Perhaps one of the reasons I always ended up not applying is that my subconscious is pulling me back because I'm scared to go and be alone. After the deadlines have passed I will always regret not grabbing that opportunity, but as more and more of such opportunities pass me by, I've become increasingly aware of my reluctance to step out of my comfort zone. Sigh wimpy me. Seems like all my fantasies of living an independent life will always stay what they are. Dreams, but nothing more.

Can I change myself? I really don't know. I guess this is just a part of me.. a character attribute that makes up who I am. Sometimes reflecting on this makes me wonder how on earth I can survive in the business world in the future. Am I not tough enough? But I'm trying really hard. Ever since I stepped into bizad I have learnt to become more outspoken, more extroverted, more active and to inject more confidence in myself. And I know I will continue trying. Because I hate feeing lonely.

I believe that as long as I keep striving, tomorrow will always be a better day. =)

Posted by liz at 6:30 pm 5 comments